As I approach my 23rd year of living on this earth so many emotions began to seep out of my soul. I always do my best to hold back the emotions that I feel and I guess that’s what happens when holding back is what you have trained for, for the better part of your life. More often than not people ask why I don’t party or have the “normal” version of fun on my soul day and that’s because on May 23rd thirteen years ago an eight year journey of being a systems kid began for me.
A lot happened in those eight years and we’ll cover that too and most of it I tried to forget. However, the mind has a funny way of never letting you truly forget anything and for that I am grateful. I have learned to be grateful for being able to share the tears that I held back for so long with the few people that have a place in my heart. I have undoubtedly cried more in the year of 2017 than I did in the past five years before that. That’s’ a sad thing to admit, but hey it’s the truth.
At times protecting those you care for leaves your heart open and in danger. Now don’t get me wrong there is nothing that I regret doing when it comes to shielding others from the pitfalls of life, but I do regret not fighting for myself a little harder. I lost myself while trying to aid others in finding themselves. I very rarely ever asked myself if I was alright or if I needed anything from me. Those questions were always reserved for other people and caring for others is always the right thing to do. Yet I have realized that I cannot assist those in need if I have not helped myself first. I have to draw a line and I have to be more important to myself than anyone else.
For quite some time now I have lived seeing with my eyes and never realized what was happening to my heart. Jackson brown once said “Sometimes the heart sees what is invisible to the eye.” The heart sees more than we could ever imagine and even though we know that, it is not easy to relay on ones heart for guidance in a world filled with so much ambiguity. I tried closing myself off and living in my own “happy world.” It was filled with poetry that soothed the soul and music that filled my heart. Yet closing myself off was not nearly enough. I have to face the truths that I avoided for so long. We have to take the bitter with the sweet and make it into something we want to consume. I can only speak for myself, but I am more than ready to fill my heart with vast portions of positivity, love, hope and better tomorrows for you and I.
So, with that I will begin to fill my heart with hope. Hope that everyone reading this will at least take the basic understanding that it is never too late to make a positive change even if you feel that negativity is all you know. Just be aware that with change comes change and I know that sounds so simple. Yet it is something that took me a while to figure out. We enjoy a consistent life. It is something that ensures us that tomorrow will be okay and when tomorrow is not okay we often lose sight of the fact that yesterday’s troubles doesn’t have to be tomorrow’s beginning.
If you’re anything like me and you want positive change for your future then we have to be in agreement right now that if we lose things along the way that were not made to come with us that it is alright. It is alright if you lose friends along the way, it is alright if you have a bad day, it is alright if you don’t know what to do next, it is alright to fall but it is never okay to give up because the going gets tough. This is my journey, this is my story and maybe one day I’ll know yours.